She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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