they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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