They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
