Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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