I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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