remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
