I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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