I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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