I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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