and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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