Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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