He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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