Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
