Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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