Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
