Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
