Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
