Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
