today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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