i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Boobs speak an international language.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
