u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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