The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i came on her dog
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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