The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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