so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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