my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
