My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
