I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
There was a lot of him and a little penis
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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