The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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