He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
The feeling are messing with the penis
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
