How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
