My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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