All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize