R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
