The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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