i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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