We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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