If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
