Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
