My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
