I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
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