Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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