i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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