I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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