The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
