I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
