why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
