oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
