The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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