Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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