im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
